Concern for the Future

Today is another one of those days where I think the best thing for me to do would be to give this child up for adoption. It's not that I do not love little Coda, but just the opposite. I want nothing more than to be able to have children, keep them, be able to care for them- all sorts, all ages, many of them. I'm the kind of person that has tons of love to spread around... I just don't feel I'm good enough.

Part of that feeling has to do with all the people I have loved and lost, especially with those where I can't seem to figure out what I did wrong. I feel I must be the crap some of those I've lost have said I am if I cannot seem to keep anyone. Then again part of me thinks I can't keep them because I expect more from people than they are willing to give, but that this isn't always a bad thing (more on this in a minute)...

Part of feeling I'm not good enough has to do with my financial standing. I will admit it, I'm a divorcee living on every form of government assistance I can get, but not because I don't like to work or love bilking tax payers or whatever (in fact I threw fits at the very idea of having to go on cash aid and hate it even now). Besides what problems a bad economy already brings, however, I also have the fact that I grew up in a household where women are not allowed to work to hinder me. I was also home-schooled without the privilege of social opportunities and my social skills have suffered for that. But I tried. I keep trying, but it never seems good enough...

Let's just sum it up by saying: years of intense ministry- the only thing I WAS allowed to do, from the time I was 14 years old until marital/church burn-out/problems tore all that apart for me when I was about 25. {I will probably post details on my other blog for anyone who might wanna take a glimpse at all that madness...}

I've done A LOT... BUT I've NEVER had a PAYING job IN MY NAME. And this... kills my chances.

Now, I'm on bed rest... And having way too much time on my hands to feel useless because I physically can't do much at all, though I wanna be (with better balance) all that I have been before while providing and caring for my family however I can, and right now I can't...

And I hate to admit that I also feel I'm not being helped when I can't do anything either, because the truth is, my baby's father is going through his own tough times, and I'm trying oh so hard to be patient because I've been through it, too. I know how the emotional stuff hinders you from holding a job etc, too, and he was a victim of a violent crime due to the way his family and friends devalued him(though this is his story to share, not mine).

I want to share mine, but I'm trying (with great difficulty) to keep this blog centered on my motherhood thoughts alone. Let's just say, the emotional stuff that happened due to my marital and church burn-out/problems have been harder to deal with than balancing the complicated super-busy life I had before and haven't helped my job or social skills. Being the victim of violent crime (as I was as well) and everything that follows wreaks havoc on your soul (and social life)... But I am still fighting. Though, the short of it is, this is my reason for believing that expecting more out of people than they are willing to give isn't always a bad thing. No one should have to settle for being made to feel like crap, for being raped or nearly killed because of someone else's issues. I believe even the worst of us deserves more than that...

Even so, I'm afraid I won't be good enough for Coda. I am damaged, and I can't clean the house, and I can't go to work, and I have no money... and while I love him, I didn't plan him, but I never could find it in me to make my children pay for my stuff by killing them... yet what do I have to offer? Do any of us in this family have a lot of hope of things changing soon enough? I don't want my children to have a hard life like I have. Will they stand a better chance of this somewhere else?