Monday, November 22, 2010

Here we go again!

I recently found out that I'm gonna have a son...


This makes son number three, despite every prayer and desire to the contrary.
I took it very well during the ultrasound because I had been dreaming a son for a while, so I felt prepared. Later, however, when Ray admitted to having prayed fervently for a son, I must admit I felt very betrayed by him and by God. He may have no sons of his own (a story for another day), yet I was the one feeling cheated because his prayers were heard over my own. He had, in his own words, been content to call my sons his own. I would be content to call his daughters my only- for now because I would desire to know one from infancy- if only I could be allowed to be around them. Again, our relationship is a long, complicated story- one I've focused another blog on and hope to not drag too much into this one.

The short of it? For the past three days, I've been desiring, not to terminate this pregnancy, yet to terminate my child-bearing years to prevent this disappointment yet again. I'm not interested in playing a game of Risk with my uterus or my future, taking the gamble that only seems to lead one way in my life regardless of the circumstances surrounding conception. I've been feeling pretty strongly about this, crying because it seems so final even though I'm not beyond adopting when times become good again (I highly doubt that the agencies would allow someone with my current financial standing to adopt any time soon!).

And then again...

What is it about reading parenting magazines that seems to alter my perspective? Here I am reading about everything from early delivery (which I am convinced I will have- come on, I already have placenta previa) to bonding and breastfeeding, with a little scoffing about how the latter practice is supposed to lower your risk for Type II diabetes mixed in (as combined, I nursed my 2 boys for roughly 4 years and was diagnosed at the beginning of this pregnancy with the disease, NOT gestational, which I hadn't even had with the last two). Already I feel myself softening.

But I am stubborn. I'm not ready to cave. There are many rational reasons as well as emotional ones to just end it all. Have I ranted at God, nature and anyone else who might listen about this injustice enough? I've asked that if my desire isn't meant to be fulfilled that perhaps I can at least have this desire taken from me. For all my sins, I don't think any person should endure the emotional torture this is. While I have children, I like to sometimes think I can identify with those friends who have had trouble conceiving as I feel yet unfulfilled. I, too rant internally (and every once and again, externally) at all those who take their daughters for granted, then feel guilty because I feel that maybe I am taking my sons for granted as well.
I'm trying so hard to find the balance. And wisdom as to what I should do next. I mean I know a lot of what I'm going through now are just pregnancy hormones, and I'm already trying to balance those and reality just the same, if not for myself, for those who are tired of pretending they care and have stopped. It's hard though. Just another day on this mom of men journey...

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